he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
