I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
