The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I still have a little drunk in my system
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
