Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
