Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
