it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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