Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
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I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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