Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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