We're like a lot better than the average bears
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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