They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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