I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
