To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
