She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
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She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
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i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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