I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
