Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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