I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
