I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
