ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
handjob tips. give me some.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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