everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
God, I missed his penis.
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