shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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