I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Houston, we have a blender
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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