Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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