Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
lets start a swedish sibling band together
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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