I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
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I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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