Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Is it because I queefed?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
