kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
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Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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