I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
