You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
