im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
