last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
