I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
