Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
