Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
