You're my little dorito
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
