Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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