I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
