an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
