New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
