I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize