Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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