I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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