After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
