fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
