Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
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That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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