So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
