You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
