I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
