he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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