I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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