I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
