i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
