you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
