the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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