WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
