Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
