you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I could make wine with my vomit
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
