True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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