Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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